Last weekend I saw something at Larry's
Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd
anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized
Taser.
The effects of the Taser were suppose to be
short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short... I bought the device and
brought it home, loaded 2
triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed
the button. Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time; I'd get the blue
arch of electricity darting back and forth
between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately I have to explain to Toni what
that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with just two
triple-a batteries,... right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
looking on intently (trusting little soul) while
I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target. I must admit I thought
about zapping Gracie (just for a second) and
thought better if it. She is such a sweet cat.
If I was going to give this thing to my wife to
protect herself, I
wanted some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?
The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst would cause
muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a
fish out of water. Any
burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
the batteries.
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank
top with my reading
glasses perched on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand,
taser in another.
All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and loaded
with two itsy-bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to
myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description,
but I'll do my
best.....I'm sitting alone, Gracie looking on
with her head cocked to
one side as to say, "don't do it master."
Reasoning that a one-second
burst from a tiny little thing couldn't hurt
that bad.... I decided to
give myself a one-second burst just for the heck
of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through
the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on
the carpet, over and
over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked
under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing
sounds I had never heard before, licking my
face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it
again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug"
yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a
one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will
not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on
the floor.SON-OF-A-BITCH
that hurt!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure), I
collected my wits (the
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How
did they up get
there??? My triceps, right thigh and both
nipples were still twitching. My face felt like
it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for
my testicles....and
offering a significant reward for their safe
return.
